Well, it's midnight and I can't sleep. I felt exhausted today, but now that I can finally sleep, all I can do is think.
Money, Houses, Memories, The Future...Did I lock the front door?
Hmmm....maybe I could blog?! What better time than at 12:00 at night!
I have been wrestling with a few thoughts lately...just thinking about the past...such a simple, easy life in college. It's crazy how things can change so quickly! Thinking about what the future holds, what Matt's new job will be like. Sometimes it can be very hard for me not to know what the future will be like, even if it is just not knowing what the next few months will be like.
Well anyways...This summer, I've been going to a Bible Study, with some girls at Grace, on the book For Women Only.
It's all about understanding our husband's better and how to better help them because of this new understanding. I've really enjoyed the book and listening to all the other women and their insight. I really feel like I'm starting to get to know people better and find my place here. It's nice!
I have also enjoyed getting together with my two best friends from high school a few times this summer. They both graduated and are here for the summer--one is going to England later in the year, and one will be a teacher at Newton Bible Christain School this coming school year. It's been so fun catching up with them!
Both the Bible Study and spending time with long-time friends has really made me think about my own life and where I am at.
22...married....2 kids! Wow!
Our last chapter in our book was on romance/dates. It was interesting to get the husbands perspective on what they enjoy and what's romantic to them. We all shared our favorite dates...all the special times spent together! It was fun to hear.
It also made me realize just how much "alone time" we missed out on because of having kids so soon. I know that is just a consequence...something we have to work out. It's funny how you think it's all worked out, then something else comes up and BAM! You have to think about it all over again! Just how things would have been different.
Also, I got together with my 2 friends and another high school friend this morning and afternoon. It was so fun to hear what they were doing...moving into a new house, boyfriends, jobs...
It also made me realize how different of a place I am in than them.
I loved listening to their stories and laughing with them...but it's harder to relate.
I highly doubt they would be too excited to hear my latest Target find of off-brand diapers with cute polka-dots and stretchy tabs...yes...stretchy tabs!! Very exciting!
Of course I still told Misa, and she was thrilled, but I felt a little silly after saying it.
Going from new boyfriends to polka-dot diapers just seemed a little odd!
Then there's me...still young, but can't totally relate...
Married, but missed out on the "alone time" of marriage.
Just thinking...
I've talked it through with my mom a few times. Such a support and what a helpful perspective. I know it's just a phase in life I have to go through.
To lean on God, pray, and through him, find my place in both groups.
It's hard though.
Makes me question my role as a mother...Am I doing it right?
Is my 2-year-old supposed to be this crazy and defiant?
Am I supposed to feel so helpless sometimes? I feel like I'm constantly taking deep breaths...reminding myself to pray!
Back to my friends...I am SO blessed and grateful for their loyal friendship through so much...10 whole years of memories together. I could not ask for better friends! They are the ones you're never afraid of losing...even through distance and differences.
I had a good time with them today, but by the end, I was so ready to come home.
Ready to be a mom again. Ready to put my dishes away. Ready to hold my Tripper while he cuddled in my arms.
It was so nice and relieving to feel this way. I enjoyed having a break, but that's all it was. I knew I didn't miss that part of life. I was SO excited to come home to my babies! To know that my husband was coming home from work soon. To know that this was MY life. To know that this was my place.
When I put Ellie to bed tonight, I went a little slower than usual.
Letting her babble about the story she wanted me to tell her about her pretend "Purple Jellybean friend named Jasmine who likes purple icecream."
After I finished putting on her PJ's, I gave her a big long hug and said,
"You know what Ellie, I LOVE being your momma. You are so special to me, and I love having you as my baby."
She just stared at me with her messy hair and pixie face, put her hands on my face and said,
"Momma, momma." Then whispered, "I love you."
This is my place, and it's so nice to remember that God has me right where he wants me!
6 comments:
Oh, Rachel! I can relate - so well! I was 22 and waiting on my 2nd baby to arrive. I felt so many of the same things you have shared. You're an amazing momma and I love watching you with you little ones! I think some of us are just *destined* to do the marriage and baby thing early and it's all for God's glory!
I have missed my kids SO much this week (and they have missed me!). We're only doing VBS in the mornings, but I realized that every day - it's me and them. For three hours in the morning this week, someone else has been changing Abe's Sam's brand diapers ;) or giving Anna her snack or listening to Amy's Bible story with her.
I love being a mom! I am only 33 and I have had this job for 12 1/2 years already! It's hard for me to believe that Ash is the age YOU were when I started to know you...
Well - I am rambling... but I wanted to encourage your heart. Oh, and let you know that Ellie is COMPLETELY normal (and it was a good reminder to me - who has done this 4 times before - that ABE is normal, too!) lol!
Rachel -- What a beautiful perspective you have. It's amazing how, after high school, friends go different directions. I didn't have Luke until age 32, but I remember hearing some friends who became moms a little younger talk about diapers :) I didn't understand it then, but I do now. But, you're SOOOO right when you say that God has us in the place in life where He wants us to be. It's different for all of us. I haven't been to too many Thursday night studies this summer, but I'm glad you've been coming. It's been nice to see you when I have been there. Thanks again for your thoughts. Isn't it amazing how God puts all of those thoughts in your mind when you should be sleeping? He does the same thing to me, and my husband doesn't understand that. He just sleeps, sleeps, and sleeps.
Rachel~
We are so glad to have all of you back in Newton!! Your children are precious and you have such a quiet sweet spirit! I love how you are always smiling! You are so patient with Ellie and she is so much fun. Can't wait to get to know you and Matt more. We hope all of your details with housing work out soon. Let us know if we can help in any way!
I had Josh when I was 23, but people thought I was a teenage mom. I looked really young - probably acted it too.
I have watched you with your children and you are a GOOD mom! The story about the purple jelly bean made me laugh and at the end when she put her hands on your face (I could just picture it) brought tears. How sweet. Nothing like being a mom - except being a Grandma!! That is absolutely the best!! Your job is to love them, teach them to follow Jesus and to love your husband so very much!!
Tee hee! I just read this and have to say that I also was so excited to see that the Target diapers were the cute polka-dots!
Rachel,
I found you through Julie Johnson's blog. I wanted to let you know that I to can relate to EVERYTHING you wrote here...I had two kids before I was 21. I am now 28 and have four! Many of my friends are pregnant for the first time or just started to have children, OR are just getting married!!! We have been married for NINE years. I had no friends that were like me... BUT I had beautiful children to love and raise. In those nine years of marriage we have learned SO much. Our married life started as two college students in a TRAILER... we watched eachother graduate, we have moved three times, started our first jobs together, accomplished goals together, and made a life together. I do know that we learned lots about finance, love and being good parents to our children. Starting our married life so young has been nothing but a BLESSING to us. It has made our marriage stronger in EVERY sense of the word. I can relate so much to EVERYTHING that you said. I hope that you continue to grow as a couple and as parents. I am SURE I wouldn't have chosen any other path for my life. Good luck with everything and all of your new changes!
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