I've been trying to decide what to post next...I have a few fun things to post, but every time I start thinking about posting something new, I just don't seem to be able to.
When Cora was still in the hospital, my mom said to me one night, "It's cruel how life goes on." She is so right.
It's hard to go to the store...I just wonder to myself--Why are people smiling? They have no idea what's happened.
I even got mad at the sun a few times for shining. Why is it shining? Doesn't it know how I'm feeling?
While life is going on...sometimes, I just feel like I'm going through the motions with my head in a totally different place. Sure I don't cry all the time, but then something will remind me of Cora. I'll realize something I'm doing with Ellie that Jess and Joel will never be able to do with their Cora. Or Ellie will start praying for "Cora with Jesus"...and the tears come again. It's just so hard to try to go about doing normal things, when you don't feel at all normal.
In a way, I don't want to move on. To me, moving on would mean it doesn't hurt anymore...I don't think of Cora anymore; it's just part of the past. And that is not at all how I feel. Sure things in life are still going on, but I'm not all there yet. I still want to hold on to those feelings...to honor my precious little niece and never forget a single smile she gave me. How do you move on from that? It has effected me so much...down to my core, and I don't think you really do get past that.
So as I've been thinking about how I feel exactly, I keep going back to what my mom said. It is cruel how the rest of life goes on. I think it should just pause until I have time to think all this over, and get a grasp on what to do next. Life doesn't work like that.
Since life does go on, I've decided that it's ok to be present in it. I need to do that for my family. I just realize that it will be forever a little different. As one of my friends said on her blog, you don't really move on, you carry on. So that's what I'll do.
Carry on...learning from what God has done through Cora's life, and treasuring the memories and times I had with my dear sweet niece.
8 comments:
Very well said, Rachel! Marc and I are continuing to pray for all of your's and Matt's families.
Amen :) we're praying for ALL of you!
You don't know me...but I clicked here from Joel and Jess's blog...I don't know them either, but as a Berean graduate (class of 90), I heard about Cora and have been following her precious story. I hesitate to post a comment because I don't want to intrude...
I just want to encourage you; I too, am praying for all of you. Cora's life reached deeply into the hearts of her extended family, as was so evident by the letters written to her and read at her service. As both a Mother and an Aunt myself, I believe that nieces and nephews are *almost* as special as our own children...so I can only imagine what you are experiencing alongside Joel and Jess.
Be encouraged...grieving hurts, and it is individual. As the shock of something like this wears off, there is that gaping hole in our hearts that we must come to terms with. May God be at your side as you work through this tragic time. May He bring you comfort and peace, and heal your hearts. May He ease you through the stages of grief in His time, and may He return joy to all of you accordingly.
I know my words may ring hollow, in the midst of what you feel-- I'm sorry that there isn't anything that will make the pain go away. Just know there are many of us praying daily for all of you and your families so deeply affected by Cora's life and her ongoing story. God be with you~~
You really have a way with words! I know how you feel when you say that it is hard blog anything else. Everytime I try I find myself reading Jess and your blogs instead and I can't do it. I am praying for your entire family!
Rach - thanks for your comment on our last post.
I have been thinking of you guys so much lately. I know it is still so fresh for you all and still so painful. Praying that you will have the strength to "carry on" and be the best mommy you can be to Tripp & Ellie and the best wife you can be for Matt. God will give you strength. I know it is hard to be away right now. Cried my eyes out again watching the slideshow. It always sneaks up on me when I think I can handle it. Hang in there and take care of yourself. Give yourself a GREAT BIG hug from us and pass them around to Matt and the kiddos. I'm ALWAYS here if you just want to talk to someone. Matt has my number. Love you.
Yes, Rachel, you do have a way with words! Those were exactly the feelings I had when Allen's mother, whom I loved dearly, died. How could people just go on with life as if something horribly hadn't just happened! But, it helps to look at things in the eternal, Biblical perspective. It is so easy for us to be consumed by the now; the here on earth. I look forward to the day when I will be able once again to give Al's mom a big hug and laugh with Cora. Someday...
I can't imagine the pain that you guys are going through now. I don't have sufficient words, but I am grieving with you and praying for your precious family.
Rachel, you don't know but I have followed Joel and Jess' blog for a while now. My husband and I lost our second son to what is commonly known as brittle bone disease after only four days. This is a poem that while some may think is harse it really is true.
PLEASE, DON'T ASK ME IF I'M OVER IT YET.
I'LL NEVER BE OVER IT.
PLEASE, DON'T TELL ME HE IS IN A BETTER PLACE.
HE ISN'T HERE WITH ME.
PLEASE, DON'T SAY AT LEAST HE ISN'T SUFFERING.
I HAVEN'T CAME TO TERMS WITH WHY HE HAD TO SUFFER AT ALL.
PLEASE, DON'T TELL ME YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL,
UNLESS YOU'VE LOST A CHILD.
PLEASE, DON'T ASK ME IF I FEEL BETTER.
BREAVEMENT ISN'T A CONDITION THAT CLEARS UP.
PLEASE DON'T TELL ME A LEAST YOU HAD HIM FOR FOUR DAYS.
WHAT DAY WOULD YOU CHOOSE FOR YOUR CHILD TO DIE?
PLEASE, DON'T TELL ME GOD NEVER GIVES US MORE THAN WE CAN BEAR.
PLEASE, JUST SAY YOU ARE SORRY.
PLEASE, JUST SAY THAT YOU REMEMBER DYLAN, IF YOU DO.
PLEASE, JUST LET ME TALK ABOUT DYLAN.
PLEASE, MENTION DYLAN'S NAME.
PLEASE, JUST LET ME CRY.
I hope you always know that the way you feel is ok, there is no right or wrong way, just your way. I will continue to pray for Cora's entire family daily and please know that even though you don't know us we are blessed because of your neice.
Love In Christ
Courtney Mayfield
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