A Visit

Monday ended up being quite a different day.
One that I won't forget.
Webb turned 2 months old.
I didn't get any pictures.
But I figured waiting a few days wouldn't hurt.

Instead, we had a slow day.
It was Cora's birthday.
And with those emotions, I was having a hard time focusing on too much.
I slightly dreaded reminding Ellie, but I didn't want her to hear from someone else.
So I reluctantly told her.
Her eyes lit up so big as she proudly stuck out four fingers, smiled big and said, "she's four today!"
Then she got worried and thought we had missed her party.
I smiled and said it's a little different this year, but that we could still celebrate it.
We talked quite a while about how much fun she's having in heaven.
How she doesn't have to take a nap, she gets to jump on clouds, and probably has wings.
That we are so happy she's with Jesus, but it still makes us so sad to not be with her.
Then she ran away to make a card to give her at the cemetery.
I haven't gone there since the funeral.
I've wanted to go, I just haven't been able to make myself do it.
But Cora's birthday seemed like the perfect day.

We left to give Cora her special card.
I had no idea how it was going to affect Ellie.
I just shakily prayed that I would keep my emotions together and that it would be a sweet time of remembering her sweet baby cousin.

It was hard going there.
Memories can feel so raw when you're staring them in the face.
Ellie just sat down and stared at the grave.
We read the headstone together.
We told a few more stories of when they were little together.
Then she asked for a little alone time with Cora.

While I took Tripper on a hunt for some treasures,
I turned around to see my little girl kneeling at her cousins grave.

We were so far away.
She had no idea I took the picture or was even watching her.
And it was absolutely heart-wrenching to see.
Seeing your 5 year old daughter kneeling at a grave is not a picture I ever imagined.
Knowing what death feels like is not something I had in mind for her to learn so early...if ever if I could be that lucky.
And seeing her child-like faith was astounding.
That little picture packs a punch every time I look at it.
She knows exactly where her cousin is.
She knows without a doubt that she's having the best party in the world with Jesus.
She reminds me many times how good it is that Cora isn't sick anymore.
She wishes she could be with her jumping on clouds and meet Jesus.
And she's keenly aware of the hurt left behind.
The pain of losing someone you love.

It makes a momma so sad to see.
To wonder what could have been and sometimes what you feel like should have been.
Instead of watching sweet little cousins grow up together, you see an incredibly different bond.
I wish with all my heart she still had her little girl cousin to play with.
But I'm pretty sure they are going to be the best cousins in all of heaven someday!

Ellie is so very precious.
In her five years, she has taught me more than I could ever imagine.
While I have learned so much through Cora's death, my daughter has had her own journey.
She loves deeply.
She believes without question.

I wish I would have written down what the card said, but I think it was:
 Dear Cora,
We miss you so much. You are the most special-est cousin, and Levi and Griffin too. I was so sad when you died. I hope you are having fun in heaven. I love you.
Love, Ellie

I think she might always have a special little bond with her cousin.
I'm so glad we sent Cora a special birthday card.